i was thinking, my month of relative happiness might have nothing to do with my u2 obsession. it might just be that a correlation exists between my happiness and the fact i saw u2 – with a 3rd variable actually being the real cause. i was thinking in class about how i might have possibly subconciously reorganized my life and priorities, re-evaulated my relationships and have come to terms with where i am in my life and who i am, due to everything that happened in september. perhaps the combination of the whole WTC thing and the decisions i’m having to make in regards to my future just fused at the right point in time, that it prompted me to re-evaluate everything. this re-evaluation seems to have happened without my awareness because i don’t think that anything is different now compared to before. even if i consciously try to think about whether my life has changed in the last few weeks, i don’t think it has. but this subconscious re-evaulation could have caused me to actually be happy with my life right now, where i’m going even tho i have no idea where that is…and since i’m unaware of any of this happening, i’m basing my happiness on the whole u2 thing…

really, everything that happened had no direct impact on my life, and there is a very small possibility that it is going to at some point in the future. i’m really not worried about the whole anthrax thing, because who would target some worthless college student? residual anthrax on my letters, from being mixed in with contaminated ones…i’m really doubting that. so like i said, if i have indeed re-evaluated every aspect of my life in light of everything that happened, i totally don’t know about it, and cannot bring it out of my subconsious.

so even tho my whole u2 thing may not be the sole cause of my current contentedness, i think it did help quite a bit. maybe not the whole “obsession” but at least the concert. you don’t know how badly i needed that concert, as a release. and it worked more than i could ever have imagined.

how psychological was that big paragraph?!?! correlations, 3rd variables?! subconscious…how freudian of me… i’m so funny sometimes.

i thought of an even better way to spread anthrax across the country, which would be more devistating then sending it through the mail system, and would cause much more of a panic….but i’m not going to say what it is, some terrorist might be reading my blog 🙂 i also don’t want any FBI/CIA type people to come after me, because i’m sure they have people constantly searching the net for suspicious activity… and some little girl in college writing about anthrax on her blog might seem quite suspicious… riiiiight. and since i want to work for the CIA i better start living a better life…i mean, i better stop involving myself in criminal activity etc…lol

list of things that have gotten better in october, compared to september.
1. i’m not depressed for the first time in years. i actually consider myself to be quite happy right now.
2. my heart attacks stopped.
3. u2 obsession keeping my spirits up
4. not as upset about my lack of a future

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