Category Archives: Personal

the curse is over. my section didn’t lose money tonight despite the fact doug was the pit. yay. hahah…

i realized why i’ve felt so physically shitty recently. i think i was taking too many pain pills. so i forced myself to stop and went through withdrawl and now i feel better. i ran out of excedrin which is why i kept taking the prescription ones. i keep forgetting to go buy more.

i dreamed about this pvc buckle skirt that james showed me the other day. haha. the chinese store at the outlet mall has this cool pants thing..i thought it was a skirt, but it’s not. it just looks like a skirt when it’s on. hard to explain. anyway. i want it. but i dunno when i’d ever wear it so i guess i won’t waste my money.

developed the roll of film james gave me to do, and finally updated the terminal’s site. so next on the list is adding my vacation photos, and apparently dansville photos, to institutional green. i thought i had put dansville up but guess not. then after that, delirious redesign. i’m also going to try to start keeping my dream site up to date again. i’m going to redesign that too so that it’s easier for me to maintain.

i still feel mentally unwell…i’m just not happy for the most part. i don’t know why. i feel very mean spirited at times. rebellious maybe. like i want to revolt against everyone in my life. go into hiding. don’t know why. don’t think it would help if i did. i don’t get it. whatever. i feel like i’m on trial for some reason. walking on egg shells as if not to offend the jurors who will be passing judgement on me in the near future. don’t want to do the wrong thing. don’t want to say the wrong thing. none of it makes sense really. never really cared much about what others thought of me before. don’t know why i seem to care now. this is me. take it or leave it.

desparate is an appropriate term i think.

whatever

but leighanne finally found us a glowing flamingo, which made me laugh when i got home tonight. yay.

work was much better today than yesterday. mainly cuz doug wasn’t the pit, so therefore my section didn’t lose money. always makes it an easier night. highlight came when a guy puked all over his friend and the floor. just thanked heavens that he didn’t puke on the table. that would have been WAY worse…

my heart is beating so badly again. i don’t know what’s wrong with it since when i had the tests done last feb they said that i didn’t have the valve problem (tho my dr still thinks i do)….it had been good for a while, now…bad again.

so…the bad news. the palace in asbury park was demolished this week.  tho i don’t have as much of an attachment to it as leighanne does, it’s sad. seeing the photo she linked in her blog really hit the heart. how lame, we’re upset over a building. i don’t know what i’d do if bct or bob was demolished.

i should go to bed. i want to go to the outlet malls sidewalk sale tomorrow. need new/more summer shirts. i bought some cute ones at kmart of all places the other day. need some things to do crafts with. maybe i’ll finally make my kiss the future shirt that i’ve wanted to make for oh…5 years now.

also figure i should update institutional green with the vacation photos and maybe this weeks crappy bct photos…

work was horrible. every time, without fail, i try to get out early i get suited up. so of course, that’s what happened tonight. got a horrible migrane that 4 excedrine only put a dent in. i wanted to go home early and take a half point again (since they get erased at 6am today) but i stayed. and poor doug, every time he’s my pit, my section looses horribly. so once again, one of my tables dumped 1000s of dollars…i thought i was going to get stuck doing overtime but by some miracle they let me out on time. dunno about my dealer though…

and then i’m getting screwed. all last month i’m working 5 floor days a week. but now here comes a holiday where we get paid double time and i get to deal. my whole whopping 10$ an hour instead of 260 for monday. i’m going to complain. a few others already did. it’s just really not fair. especially when new dual rates who got promoted THIS WEEK are flooring on the holiday, but the last batch of dual rates are all dealing.

so work was crap. felt like crap. so tired.

now i feel emotionally like crap. so many things i want to say and i can’t even begin to express them. i feel completely worthless at the moment, after feeling as if things were on the right track. i’m such a fucking idiot. i don’t know why i delude myself so much. i used to think i was so in touch with reality. and i’m not. not in the slightest. i continue to create these illusions around me…or rather my little fantasies that i start to believe in, cuz i’m so fucking stupid. i want to hide. it’d be easier if i could just make everything go away. my head. my life. everything

 

 

from nin.com

question: you seem to be an intensely private and isolated person. yet you can scrape out your soul and present the results to millions of people. what gives?

trent: shy, loner misfit type writes personal lyrics from journal figuring the world won’t notice. world unexpectedly notices. shy, loner, misfit type retreats further feeling unnaturally exposed.

…

james came over at 5 am to cheer me up. made me muffins.

i had a really nice day today.

it was terminal day. had to get up way early to go to the science museum with russell to meet with their collections manager. then went to the terminal with 2 museum people to show them around. when they were leaving, joe showed up way early, but that was cool cuz we went around a bit before everyone else came at 1. ended up being 8 of us wandering in the tower. spent some time up on the roof with james which was really nice. turned out to be a really pretty day weather wise, when it had started out crappy, so it was bright and happy in the terminal. everyone seemed to enjoy the time spent inside. so it’s all good. and obviously, my keys work haha. and lance diamond called me when we were sitting on the roof haha. well i thought it was amusing. he sounded like barry white on the phone lol.

finally got to see where brian and james live (other than driving by) and got to see the dansville photos i was “owed” haha. went to jasen’s and james cooked dinner. sorta played with jasen’s daughter, and omg i’m just so horrible with kids. i’ve never been around any, ever, seriously. i dont know what to doooo. watched um… king of new york and run lola run. lola was cute, good concept. king of new york was with christopher walken. i think that’s only the 2nd movie of his i’ve seen..the first being waynes world 2 LOL. it was good. he’s so bizarre. and i can’t help but think of jay moore doing christopher walkens psychic friends network on SNL haha.

so good day. good day. so tired but don’t want to go to bed yet. my knees ache

 

i was looking through my sent mail folder for something…yeah…haven’t deleted anything in there in a long long time…so this amused me:

“lunatic murderer you seem not to be, but like you said…it does seem sketchy when you think about it. and with all those nooses hanging everywhere, it would have been easy hehe”

i forgot about the nooses lol

 

a passage from the book i’m reading, The Dice Man by Luke Rhinehart. struck me given some recent….”non conversations” that i’ve had with others and myself…

“If we always limited ourselves to what was natural to us, we’d be midget dwarfs compared to our potential. We must always be incorporating new areas of human action which we can make natural.”

…

the buffalo ave building is up for tax auction. so they’re not going to demolish it now?? i wonder if you buy it, if you get the toxic waste too. gonna have to see when the auction is… just curious.

bowie did not come into the casino tonight. that was a shame. during the night i suddenly realized WHAT IF HE CAME IN!?!?! i’d die. but he’s probably not even in buffalo so it doesn’t matter.

work is changing the attendance policy effective june 1st. the way things are at the moment, if you do bad things, or call in too much etc, you get points against you. and originally the rule was that if you had 10 points you’d get fired. but we were so short handed when we opened, and at various times since, some people had 30-40 points and weren’t getting fired. when new classes came in, they’d fire a few people for too many points, but there are still people with 14-20 points and jobs….

the new attendance policy is changing how you “earn” points, but we don’t know the specifics until june 1st…..that’s when all the new stuff goes into effect. part of this, is that to be fair to all employees, they are going to forgive all points through may 31st…

now this was a very bad idea for them to post right before the holiday weekend. because that means everyone can call in, get points, and it won’t matter because on june 1st, we’re all back down to zero. i have half a point at the moment from leaving sick on valentines day. so i could actually call in the entire weekend and go to vegas. and i really really really want to. because i have sick time too, and i’m flooring each day, so i’d still be getting full pay. for going to vegas. and when i get back for my shift on june 1st, i’d have zero points.

but stupid me being a stupid honest person would feel so incredibly guilty….i feel guilty calling in when i’m actually sick. like when i felt like dying after the exploring day at the buffalo ave building and deveaux and there was no way i could go to work, i still felt guilty.

but i’m working on it LOL cuz i really want to go to vegas. tony said if i do it he won’t be able to talk to me for a while. he’ll be too jealous cuz he wants to but doesn’t have the guts to do it haha. and then he’d worship me for actually doing it.

anyway. trying not to get back into the habit i had a few months ago where i slept all day…tho i really want to. i feel so tired again all the time. but must force myself to get up and buy bleach and do some laundry. then bowie!!!!!!!!!

 

so i bleached my hair.
guess what color it is
DARK BROWN!!!!!!!!!!
what the hell is wrong with my hair that it won’t even BLEACH!?!?!?!?!?

it’s exactly the same as it was before i ruined it a little bit more with the bleach. it feels so awful to touch even when there is conditioner on it, but it’s the same color…dark brown with orange roots. FABULOUS.

i think my only option now is to just dye it dark brown again and not fuck with it for a few months. but i want red *whine*

stupid hair.

I dealt!!! for 8 hours!!! amazing!

running errands today i passed a church message board that i just HAD to take a picture of. so i dropped 10$ (!!!) at wilson farms for a disposable camera and went back to take a few. ages from now when i finish the roll, the only people who are going to really appreciate it are those from the tonawandas. or more specifically, my friends from nt LOL. or even more specifically the bonuses

anyway…work today, then bowie tomorrow. i think the new plan is to bleach the hair tomorrow, then dye it red sometime before i work on thursday. my poor traumatized hair…

 

oh the horror. i’ve lost my big jay gordon calvin klein ad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gaaaaaaaaaaah must find!!!!!!!!!!!

and for those of you who are frequent visitors to the house, the comp room is now going to be known as the teenie bopper room LOL

leighanne is a full orgy convert now.

i should post something huh….

thursday…i don’t remember. had movie night. played with fire. played with the hand me down digicam and realized it has many more functions than i was aware of (like night shots, exposure compensation blahblahblah), watched underworld and queen of the damned.

yesterday…slept til 330, went to work, came home.

today…central terminal’s first tour of the season. big turn out for both tours. sold some stuff, got interviewed by the documentary crew, blahblahblah.

tonight was the longest night ever.

i’m psyching myself out and making myself feel unsure about things.

my stomach has been bothering me. but i don’t think it’s from nerves because i haven’t felt nervous about anything.

those 2 statements are in contradiction to each other, but they make sense to me. to me they are completely different and unrelated.

i have a wicked headache.

i have to get up in 5 hours to dye my hair before leaving for detroit.

see you thursday.

fantastically, somehow our dining room window got broken. leighanne said it looks like its smashed from a baseball or something. it’s temp covered until maintence comes tomorrow. fan.tastic.

we’re probably going to detroit on wednesday to see orgy. it’s a secret trip so i don’t have to go visit my family. godhead is playing the show too, so i’d really like to go see them. i told tony and he said “Don’t get stabbed” haha good old horribly dangerous detroit. i’m a little leary but i want to see the boys again

getting my hair cut tomorrow so i’m off to find a picture (hopefully)

 

cut my hair off. i’m not quite convinced of its fabulousness yet…can’t decide if its too dykey or not. whatever. it’s getting dyed tomorrow too. i thought i was on the verge of making a comittment to my hair color, but nope…that disappeared. going red again. hopefully. who knows what color it will really turn out.

the afternoon was amusing. i bought an old slide projector (i’m assuming) cuz it looked cool and was 4 bucks. then leighanne and i went to kmart to buy patio furniture…table and 4 chairs. which means we had to get them home….haha that was the amusing part. the chairs stuck out of my trunk and i tied rope around them somehow so they wouldn’t fall out. ended up having to put the table on top of leigh’s car and strap that on…just wound rope around it and threw the car. i know if i was passing by and saw 2 girls trying to do all this i’d have laffed my ass off. we need a video camera. then when we got them home we had to assemble the table. that was comical as well. but it’s all together now and on the deck. need to get an umbrella from my mom and we’ll be set for the commencement of the non-parties.

 

had a fabulous idea to write again. it has the potential to be amazingly comical. i gotta start thinking about it and see what i can come up with to start writing it out. hehe yay.

also trying to find a place that rents digital cameras so i could maybe see if i want to buy one…rent a center doesn’t and i dont know any other rental places. no local camera stores i found online rent either…blah.

put this goo stuff in my hair. gave me a total flashback to august/september…picnic on the plaza, doing research at the library on bct, rain…it was nice hehe.