i had a series of upsetting dreams about an ex – the most significant one. they were depressing, and strange, since as always my dreams are abnormal. they took place somewhere in a futuristic 1984 type society. it began REALLY disturbingly, very oedipal BUT IT WAS NOT A SEX DREAM. apparently in this society it was cultural tradition for adult women and men to have sex with the opposite sex parent. and i didn’t know this, but found out about my mom planning it. and i freaked out and refused to speak to either of my parents again, although this was supposedly accepted in this society. aeirusdfaomgbarfweiru. then that sorta morphed into the ex appearing back in my life again. he just showed up, and we were in my parents house i think. and as much as i tried to be cold and emotionless to him i couldn’t. and he was trying to tell me how he loved me even tho he had decided not to befriend me again once he returned to the country. and i was trying to be mad but he started crying. didn’t make any sense as to why he decided to show up again. there was something to do with my parents that i don’t really remember. but he was living at their house, i guess i was too. we were sharing a room but 2 separate beds. my bed was some sort of almost dentist chair like contraption. and somehow things were hooked up to it where when i exhaled as i slept my breath would blow up a balloon lol. then when air was no longer going into the balloon it would deflate of course, but very loudly. it woke me up and i couldn’t not make the balloon blow up and deflate again. so it woke him up, he thought someone was farting really loud. then the dream changed gears to where we were trying to be together but for some reason people were after us. we were going all over sometimes alone sometimes with friends to find someplace for us to hide where “the authorities” i guess wouldn’t find us. but everytime we thought we found something, The Authorities would find us again and we’d have to flee. we realized that wherever we went a man in a blue shirt was around, and we figured out he must be following us and alerting The Authorities to where we were. so we were trying to run from him, and we thought we had lost him inside this very strange office building, that was almost as if it used to be a grain silo…strange round rooms, and odd hallways constructed between each silo, got caught in a game of lazer tag it seemed. we found some office that was empty and we were trying to hide and be alone for once, but the man in the blue shirt appeared, and since most of these silo offices were somehow glass, he could easily see where we were hiding. that switched gears to back in being some apartment we had been hiding in, where i remembered some sort of fortune teller telling us about how our future lives would appear to us on rolls of toilet paper…images started appearing on our toilet paper and i found him and was like LOOK don’t you remember that spell put on us that we’d see our future on the rolls haha that was it. despite us not being able to be together in this future society our relationship was really nice.
w.t.f
outside of the strangeness of it all, it was depressing. and it sorta was sitting in the back of my head all day. doing nothing at work for a good 3 hours gave me lots of time to sit there and think about everything. got to remembering alot of things about when we were together that i had forgotten. little things, things that were said, things we did that i had forgotten about. i don’t particularly like to think about him, despite it being ancient history. it’s always depressing. i think this all came about from looking at pictures from the college era i found on a disc the other day, because with them were all my pictures of him/us. thinking about everything still upsets me. on one hand it’s clear that everything that was said – in hindsight – was total bullshit. but even now after all this time, 4.5 years, i can’t let myself believe that he was faking it all. that he didn’t care about me, and about leaving, and that he didn’t really like me that much it was just something to do. i mean, that’s how it feels based on the fact he didn’t keep in touch and didn’t contact me when he returned. but i just can’t let myself think it was because i wasn’t liked enough. life goes the way it goes and things happen for a reason i guess. this is how things were supposed to be. i just have to think, yeah, we had a great few months together, and he changed me alot, and hopefully he thinks about me sometimes.
and sitting at work i started thinking again about what i’d do if i saw him somewhere. finding out 2 years ago that he had a players card and had been in the casino at least once – the possibility that he saw me and didn’t say anything – killed me. in the small world of WNY i’m bound to see him someplace if he stayed here (which he may not have, i have no idea)…and as much as i’d like to be that cold bitter bitch i know i wouldn’t be able to.
see i don’t have a completely cold and black heart…
now to go to bed in hopes i wake up not so fucking depressed.
*edit* one of the things i just remembered about when we were together amuses me so i will share. he went to DC with a few friends to visit a friend at georgetown in the middle of the DC sniper scare. i was so terrified he was going down there, leighanne would update me on the sniper and how he had yet to strike on a weekend, only weekdays. of course, when he was there, the sniper struck on a weekend. i think leighanne apologized hahah.
*edit2* he was with me the first time i ever laid eyes on buffalo central terminal in real life.