i’m going to try not to spend all of today crying. but i’m not sure how well that’s going to work. i need to get out of my house, because if i don’t i will cry all day again. i can’t not think about it, i can’t not think about what was said last night. i woke up in the middle of the night and the first thing i thought was about what was said last night, and i wanted to cry again. this morning i woke up a billion times, and each time i immediately started replaying last night. i wish i would have waited to bring it all up until next weekend. i don’t know why getting confirmation of what i knew all along is making me feel this awful. i would like to have this last week spent in blissful ignorance, but i ruined that by bringing it up yesterday. and now i have to look at him the rest of this week and know how he feels, or doesn’t feel. and it’s killing me.

well…i managed to spend more time not crying today than i did yesterday. i wasn’t going to talk about what was said last night with anyone, cuz it doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else, but i had to. so carolyn got to be privledged. got that out, cried lots, but felt slightly better – better enough to start my day in hopes i could manage to not cry anymore. but that didn’t really last all that long, because i decided there was too much still bothering me, and too much flying around in my head. so i wrote nate another letter. letter writing is cathartic. it’s 3 pages. it was 2, front and back, but i kept adding to it. cried more while i was writing it, but felt better. i had to write it because i don’t think i’ll be able to bring it up on tuesday. i don’t think there will be a good opportunity because my parents will be back home, and we won’t have anywhere to go where we can be alone. i assume mom will be unpacking, and thus upstairs, so we can’t escape to my room. and dad will take over the basement. maybe late, once they’re in bed, after we do whatever it is we’re going to do tomorrow…

so yeah. nate said he’d call tonight. he was having lunch with his best friend’s parents today, then studying for the GRE. turns out they took the analytical part (aka the part i kicked fucking ass on) and replaced it with an essay. so i can’t compare scores with nate and rub it in that i’m an analytical master 🙂 he’s taking the GRE tomorrow. then we’re doing something at night – i’m going to suggest the tons of beer place, since when i mentioned i heard about it, his eyes lit up like a little boy. wednesday night is lucid and that 80s hair band at HRC, then rumors with the bonus family. traditional night before thanksgiving out, and while i plan to get wasted, i promise i won’t almost die this year. of course, getting wasted might be bad, cuz i’ll get all emotional and i could see myself totally ruining the night by crying my eyes out… but whatever. then i get to work and not see nate, if he’ll even have the time to hang out. see how that goes i guess.

speaking of work. got confirmation about the casino stuff. she called today. training starts on the 9th, i’m in the evening class which starts at 5:30 and classes are mon – fri for 2.5-3 weeks. does that go into xmas? i’m not sure. but anyway. i have orientation on dec 5th tho, and it’s like all day long. so i’m really assuming i have a guaranteed job and it’s not conditional on whether or not i pass the class (haha yeah, like i’m going to fail). i tried to call mgr at work to let her know i can’t work at all on the 5th, and tell her for sure about the classes but of course she wasn’t there. she’s NEVER there. it’s been probably 3 weeks since i’ve seen her – the day i had to argue about getting off to go to indiana. she’ll be there wednesday, and she’s gonna give me shit about not letting her know ahead of time that i need the 5th off. i’ll just quit right there. my check for the past 2 weeks was 166$…the next check i get will be under 100 i’m sure. i don’t need that. kinda funny though, i got a postcard from the company today saying i qualify for health insurance starting on xmas. funny cuz i don’t qualify, u have to work 18 hrs a week in order to qualify.