so. i think me and tommy are caput. for real this time. i think he’s grown tired of me and my issues finally. haven’t seen him since before halloween, didn’t talk to him at all during my vacation. i called him on friday, and even after 10 days without talking to him we had nothing to say to eachother. he asked how the trip was, and i said, “i don’t know what to tell you since you don’t like the band.” and he was like “your right”. so. had nothing to say. and he doesn’t do anything but stay home and play xbox since he can’t drive, so he had nothing to say to me either. i didn’t feel like going over there, so i stayed home. he called saturday to go to lunch but i was at my parents getting my tires changed. and i haven’t heard from him since. i don’t know. maybe he’ll call tomorrow since it’s my day off. i don’t really care, cuz it’s not like i’m happy. and it’s not like it hasn’t been down hill since…july. and it’s not like we didn’t break up 3 times in august. it’s not like i approve of him starting to drink again, even if it is just socially. there are issues, and have been since the start. so i’m not upset. but i kinda don’t like this ending, if this is how it’s going to be – just him not calling me, and me not calling him. there’s no real resolution there. and also no try at being friends. when we kept breaking up a few months ago, we were going to be friends. it was a problem for him since he’s in love with me. i can’t be anything more than a friend to him, and i would like to do so. i don’t know. if we are just going to stop talking, i really have no one to hang out with anymore, and no friends. ah well. such is life. i’m actually sort of scared to talk to him about this, cuz i can envision him being really pissed off, and saying alot of hurtful things that he doesn’t really mean. and that right there is probably yet another reason that this should be over.
it was strange/funny…for some reason i was talking about him in toronto before the show, and how we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about, and that he doesn’t like music at all. vanessa, one of the french girls we met, just said “break up with him!!!” haha. it was funny, and appropriate. because really…i think i really need to be with someone who at least shares SOME common interest with me. i don’t have many things in my life that are important, but my music, and going to shows, and urbex…they are important to me. i realize i have strange interests at times, but there are people out there that i have more in common with. my relationship with him will never work. we are just not on the same level, don’t like the same things, and the things we do like just aren’t enough. so again. i don’t feel bad. i’d just like this to officially end different. on a high note let’s say.
that and i have relationship issues at the moment, and i don’t want to be with anyone. i don’t even want to think about being with someone. i’ve gotten a strange phobia about all this. i’m not going to go any more into it than that.
he probably thinks i cheated on him or something, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
you can say i’m lame, or cliche or whatever – but i really learned alot about what i want from life on the mini tour. almost always started thinking about it during “right where it belongs” because the visuals projected on the curtain during the song are basically everything i DON’T want out of my life. i don’t want the republican white picket fence of suburbia and 2.5 children, and a boring, repetitive, monotonous, perscription drug filled life. so maybe i do get married, and i do have kids, i still don’t want to become settled and boring. and i don’t want what i have now, but i realize i’m such a hypocrit, and that i’m completely scared to do anything to change my life. so there’s no need to point it out.
i don’t know. this went somewhere it wasn’t supposed to go. i’ll just stop now.
in other news. i’ve decided to give my u2 buffalo tickets to kate, incase for some reason i don’t come home from california. she can still go to the show, and sell my ticket. i figure i will be here for the show, but in the off chance that someone on the tour decides to give me passes to the kroq almost acoustic christmas in LA, i’m so totally going to it. fuck u2 i am going to see nin acoustic. of course, as i said, i doubt this will happen. gotta have a contingency plan though, just in case.
and i started plastic sealing up my windows. the one office window went well, the other i’ve done twice now and it won’t stick. stupid painted window sill. a friend at work mentioned that someone she knows who makes more than me got aid to pay for heating bills from the government, so she’s going to get me the info. it would be nice not to have to pay a 200$ gas bill by myself.
and i’m sick again. still in the “getting” sick stage, but definitely getting worse by the hour. i go to the shrink tomorrow. i feel like taking him nin lyrics and being like “this is me.” but i won’t. unless he asks me to. and i’m cutting my hair off on thursday.