i dreamed i was at a hockey game, way up in the 300 level. at one point during the game they turned a spotlight on and highlighted a person sitting in the very last row. it was wayne gretzky. and duran duran was standing around him singing to him. wayne was not happy. simon lebon was like, you’re wayne gretzky why are you sitting up in the 300s. wayne said it was because he didn’t want to be noticed by anyone, and now here were duran duran singing to him. so he was pissed. i was like, hello, you’re wayne gretzky and you’re at a hockey game, as if no one is going to recognize you.

 

 

 

i don’t know where this ramble is going to go, i’m feeling very emotional and full of selfpity at the moment, so bear with me. or don’t read it, i could care less.

but just a reminder. i’m still on vacation til monday night, so if anyone needs a companion the next 3 days, even if just for stupid mundane errands, or if anyone needs to be entertained or to do entertaining, i’m here.

this is spurred on by a number of things, one being the article about introverts.

on monday james told me i’m not as mysterious as i think i am. i try to be mysterious but i don’t feel that i succeed because i have nothing to be mysterious about. my life is an open book, i have nothing to hide. anything you want to know about me you can either ask, or read the archives i’m sure it’s in there somewhere. of course there are things i don’t readily talk about but i will if you ask. i don’t talk about when i was 16 much, it’s not something i like to think about. plain and simple.

my attempt at being mysterious is for my own benefit. because whenever i get too close to people, or people know too much about me, they use it against me. i always get hurt. i always get screwed over. so it’s a defense mechanism. you know, you get tired of being screwed over after a while.

but like i said, i have nothing to be mysterious about. which is why i think my screen name is so appropriate. vacant enigma. a mystery that when you get down to the center, is completely empty. best way i can think of to describe me.

but maybe my apparent lack of convincing mystery is due to the people telling me i’m not mysterious. i’ve tried to shape myself and shape my life in such a way…a way i can’t put into words, but i’ve done what i’ve done to make myself into the person i want to be. and i’m mostly happy with who i am. moreso i am happy with who i appear to be. that didn’t come out right.

i’m happy that the people that are in my life now see me for who i really am. these people who say i’m a bitch because i’m an introvert and don’t talk to them, or many people at work. they know nothing about me. they can’t see who i really am. and i don’t want them in my life for that reason. i don’t have alot of friends, mostly because the people i meet, i have no desire to be friends with. the people i want to be friends with…it feels like we’ve been friends for ages. like it was supposed to happen or be that way. i’m friends with people who can see through me.

maybe i’m not mysterious because i’ve let you see me. i’ve let you see me cuz i know you already can. i can think of 4 people, all male, who can see me and appreciate me for who i am. people i haven’t had to explain myself to for the most part, because they can already see it. – but maybe i’m completely wrong about all of this. maybe they don’t see me. the most important part…. (i think) they appreciate me for who i am. and that means the world to me, because that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i’m thrilled, in a way, to hear them describe me in the exact way i’ve always wished to be percieved.

i think part of this is why i get along with significantly older people more than with people my own age. older adults “get me” where as most people my age completely don’t. i don’t go out and party and sleep around and do the things so called “normal” people in their 20s do. it absolutely does not interest me in the slightest. i tell older adults the things i do and they are captivated by it. they think i’m interesting. people my age think i’m weird. i get asked about my photography, and i explain what i do, and what i like, and i get blank stares. at least older adults have perfect the art of feigning interest, if they don’t “get me”.

maybe i’m completely wrong about all of this. maybe no one does see me. maybe i remain the angst filled misunderstood person that i think i always was.

i don’t know. i don’t know anything anymore.

 

 

 

dunno what’s going on tonight. brian mentioned going to jasens. i told him to let me know what was going on, haven’t heard from him. it is so grossly humid out now. blah i feel sticky and gross.

going to clean now cuz the landlord is showing someone my apartment tomorrow. and i can go get the new apt keys tomorrow too yay.