*breathes*

hi

i don’t really know what to say.

my day in a nutshell (help me, i’m trapped in a nutshell)
wake up
go back to sleep
wakeup
go back to sleep
repeat ad nausem
get up
cry
cry
cry
blahblahblah
stress out
work on brians website
decide not to go to jasens for his birthday movie night because i 1. would not be able to fake being happy 2. would not want to potentially cause a scene 3. would not want to potentially ruin an otherwise good birthday 4. make myself more upset
work on brians website
create launch radio station

and was reminded that one of my all time favourite songs is econoline crush’s “close” and so now i will post lyrics…

Shadows dance lazily, across this dim lit room
Are you my ememy, my lover, my ruin?
Warm and shallow are, the waters of your soul
It’s my difference, my hurt that makes you whole

You lift me up drag me down
And here I am
Alone

Searching for serenity in the halls of discontent
Pieces of my sanity, my will, my hope have left
I don’t understand, where this all began
Are you my enemy, my lover, my ruin?

You are so far away
You are so far away
You lift me up, you drag me down
You leave me so alone

I watch you turn away…I watch you
I watch you turn away…crying
highly recommended download for sure

 

i’m feeling better, thanks for asking. though part of me is still screaming “just fuck it” and making me want to give up. give up on whatever it is i’m doing or trying to do. i dunno. it doesn’t make much sense. i’ll put it this way. part of me still wants to hide and never see anyone ever again. but i’m trying not to listen to that part.

i watched a disgusting show on mtv last night. it was an episode of their “i want a famous face” series…where young adults get plastic surgery to look like various stars…this episode featured a very pretty girl who wanted to look like pam anderson. so she got huge boob implants, lip implants, and her chin fat sucked out (which i want haha i hate my chin fat). the entire episode focused on how her lifes dream/ambition is to be a playboy playmate. she had already been in the “college girls” special edition, and thought that making herself look like pam anderson would be her for sure way into playmate history and super stardom….maybe it’s just me but my life’s dream is not to be a porn superstar. anyway. it was disgusting.

that led to my bizzare dream i had this morning about people from playboy trying to kidnap me…cuz apparently they had to kidnap people in order to get people to appear in the magazine. so i was playing along while they were in my house, and being cooperative, but trying to txt msg someone “help” so they could save me from the evil playboy kidnappers. it was weird.

this launch radio thing is the best thing ever. not that i expect anyone to be interested in listening to it, but if you do want to, let me know and i’ll send you the link.

the rest of the day i finished brian’s other two galleries, and now i’m waiting for him to send me text for them, and do a few finishing off things. might possibly be able to get it up during the day tomorrow. we’ll see. i feel lazy tonight, and i have bct site updates to do that i’m procrastinating. i think i’ll go play canasta on yahoo haha.

stopped by the parents on the way home from the board meeting to use the scanner, since mine wont work with xp. my mom now knows james’s name, but not what he looks like, and she knows what brian looks like, but not his name. brian is “the blond one”. haha and she knows that she’s met brian, but she still doesn’t think she’s met james. but she has. at the terminal of course. she’s getting better haha