my dreams last night primarily dealt with ice…walking around on 2 foot thick ice that had no change of breaking, or me falling in. it was around the water intakes in the falls. wavy though so i slid up and down the hills of ice…ice everywhere. another dream involving ice, but it was a hockey rink. just lots and lots of ice all night. i looked it up at swoon but it doesn’t make sense. it feels as if it should mean more than they say…

i’m messed up in my head. everything feels like a mess. over analyizing. i’m feeling very discouraged and negative, and self destructive. i want to throw one specific hope/dream/thought away. might be easier for me.

anyway. movie night. tackled the horribly depressing “requiem for a dream” followed by “school of rock” so we wouldn’t drive our cars into on coming traffic after. “school of rock” was cute. jack black is funny. incredibly unattractive, but funny. reminds me i need to change the “song that makes you laugh” to tribute haha. we hung out here after watching the various video channels and watching alot of crap. james left around 3 and brian crashed in the spare room cuz he had to get up early to get his car fixed nearby. good times as always.

woke up this morning to being attacked on the bct forum, and the forum pretty much imploding through in fighting. seriously. makes me want to shoot myself. does not help my current inner state of mind.

tom’s supposed to call later to talk about…the shit i’m thinking about. maybe he can make some sense of things and make me feel better. i feel really really awful right now. arg

 

i have to start this post with a metallica lyric

“Ain’t gonna waste my hate”

today has been a day filled with wasted emotions. getting out of the house made me feel alot better. the meeting was good, and we addressed the forum issues, and discussed options. it was fine. i’m trying to get the board to get me a birthday cake at the 75th party

today was alot of wasted emotion on things i can’t controll. i need to chill out and stop trying to control everything and plan for every thing. i need to stop knowing what to do if such and such happens, or if so and so does this, or this doesn’t happen.

i need to stop worrying about what may happen in the future and how to handle it if it’s undesireable.

i have to let things just happen.

go with the flow.

take things as they come.

i may have been deluding myself with false hope in certain things, but when i want something, hope happens. delusional or not…i need to just let them happen if they are going to.

ka.

let the chips fall where they may.