*sigh* i was hoping i’d be alright today. but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. i had horribly wonderful dreams about nate last night – just being with him, hugging him, laying in bed with him…and it didn’t bother me right away. it didn’t bother me til i got out of bed and remembered/realized i don’t have that anymore. i saw the pictures from my mom of the 2 of us on my table and remembered he’s not here. i wondered what he ended up doing in philly last night – he was going to meet up with a friend from college – and remembered i won’t ever know. it won’t be something he’ll write about in his first letter to me i’m sure. that’s what i think i’m missing the most – what is making me upset – that i can’t just call him on the phone and see how he’s doing, what he’s been up to, telling him what i’ve been doing. fuck, i am so scared of losing him – as a friend even. the only thing that sorta makes me feel better (i guess in some kind of sadistic way) is that i know it was just as hard for him to leave me as it was for me to have him leave…to know that he actually did get attatched to me the past 3 months despite his initial plan to have no emotional attachment to me at all. it sounds mean to think that i’m glad he’s feeling the same things, but it’s not that…i don’t know. i can’t explain it. i’m just glad to know that he really does care about me, and will miss me etc.
on the news tonight was a big story about a winter storm that hit the southern states, and how it’s going to be moving north east tonight and tomorrow…hitting DC, NY and…philadelphia…i think if philly gets hit with this storm, enough to close the airport, i’m going to laugh. it’ll be really comical if nate can’t fly to africa tomorrow cuz of snow. i want everything to go smoothly for him, i want everything to be perfect…but i’ll still laugh. it would just be his luck to miss his first flight, and have his 2nd flight cancelled because of the weather. haha
i decided i had to leave the house for a while, so i went to visit my mom at the store. it didn’t really help, she just made me cry more. not being mean or anything, just about nate. i went back home, did nothing, went to get my photos after dinner. they turned out ok. there’s one of nate on my bed that i have to hide. there’s no good way to explain why he has no shirt on in that picture…there were plenty of reasons to explain the “beefcake” photo haha. i don’t know if i’m going to scan my photos for my site…i don’t like them all that much. we’ll see. depends if i need to entertain myself friday or not (tomorrow is casino orientation).
i think i’m going to start shopping for xmas gifts. i was going to go tonight, but i came home after getting my photos instead. played boggle with my mom and watched tv. as of now, the sabres are winning 3-0..*shock* i think i’ll go see how much time is left in the game. or never mind..it just ended 4-0, curtis brown with the hattrick…of course i don’t watch the game and they win.
on top of everything i’m finally getting nate’s cold. nose is getting stuffy, and my throat is weird. i wonder if i had been able to swallow pills last week, and had taken my vitamins, if i would have been able to overcome the germs…blah.