apparently philly did get hit with the storm, all kinds of stuff delayed and cancelled. i went to the airport site, and there are 2 flights to paris today, both at 5:20 and both on time still. so that seems like a good sign that nate will get to leave today. i’ll have to check later to see for sure. i’ll really really laugh if it gets cancelled. *update* as of 4:26pm, whatever flight he is on, is still on schedule. he’s probably at the airport now. (after the fiasco on tuesday, i’d hope he got there way early this time)…and i remembered he had hoped philly wouldn’t be as cold as it was in buffalo, cuz all he had on was a hoodie sweatshirt and wind breaker…why bring a winter leather jacket to the sahara? poor freezing nate.

so…i had orientation at the casino today. typical orientation stuff – filling out lots of forms, tax stuff, fitted for uniforms (interesting fact…since i’m not a dork and i don’t wear my pants around my “real” waist, i buy pants for myself that are usually around a size 8, but if i wanted to wear pants “correctly” i wear a size 4…), got fingerprinted, had drug test…the finger printer state trooper guy was hard core flirting with me. apparently he was near 40 years old, but you’d never have known. this whole thing should be pretty interesting. exciting even. i signed a confidentiality statement, so i can’t talk about any of it 🙂

hmm…what else. i was doing ok with the crying stuff until i got home and checked my email. everyone’s been so supportive to me, people i haven’t talked to in forever, and it’s touching. it makes me cry. i think i’m handling all this way better than anyone (even myself) anticipated. because i’m not really upset. over emotional still, yes… (anything is setting me off)…but i wouldn’t consider myself depressed or anything…just sad. i can think about nate, and what he’s doing, and even what we’d done together the last 3 months and be fine. it’s really only when i think of losing touch with him, and thinking about my own future (job, relationships, etc) that i get sorta upset and start to cry. because i’m really fucking scared.

i think my parents were expecting me to go off the deep end with this, and i’m very far from the edge. i’ve felt closer to the edge other times in my life, but not now. i have this tendency to be a bit self destructive when things start to go bad – where i wouldn’t mind if bad things happened to me, and think it would be better if i…say…got into a car accident…and i’m not really having that now. i did a little bit. i had the urge to destroy things. i had the urge to isolate myself from everyone. but like i said, i wouldn’t even consider myself depressed. both my parents apparently thought i’d become a giant hermit and never leave my room. i’m not sure how that is any different than i always am…but…whatever. i think they should be happy i’m doing as well as i am. alot of people would have freaked out way more.

so cuz of all this, i don’t really know how i feel anymore. sometimes i start to feel bad that i’m handling this as well as i am. i think maybe i should be more upset. but it has been the same throughout my life, i can get over things, and forget feelings fairly quickly. i’m not saying i’m over him, or anything like that…but just that i’m not going to let what i feel bother me (or try not to). even if i’m doing this, and handling things this way, just so that nate doesn’t have to worry about me. i’ll be better off in the long run.

i think i’d be handling all this much worse if we had broken up in a different way…like if he decided he didn’t like me anymore, and here i am still in love with him… i’d be much more distraught than having to break up cuz he’ll be gone for 2 years. like i said in my other post, i know how he feels about me. and knowing that makes it slightly easier.

something that i think is weird though is…i’m a big music fan as everyone knows, and it’s really easy for me to attach certain songs to certain people. and it’s weird that i don’t really have any attachments between nate and music. i do if i think about it…but i dont have anything that when i hear it i automatically think of him. i don’t know if this is good or bad. with psycho i had really violently bad reactions to certain songs because it would bring back bad memories. i’d feel physically sick listening to U2’s pop cd because of him – until last summer. same with U2’s “one” – couldn’t listen to it for years after i dated him without feeling sick. but i have none of this with nate. i could have attachments between U2’s achtung baby and nate (weird that it’s all u2 stuff), but i don’t unless i think about it. i know the associations between the cd and nate, but it’s not this automatic reaction like i used to get with stuff and psycho. maybe it’s only cuz with psycho things were awful. i’d like to have happy memories with songs tho…

despite all that, there are some songs that are seriously getting to me lately…like Pearl Jam/Aaron Lewis “black”…god i can’t even think about that song without crying…econoline crush “close”…”razorblades and bandaids”…that sugarcult song a bit…and despite how i think i’m handling this well, and doing ok… i am highly emotionally unstable, and the littlest things…like fucking homer simpson telling marge he loves her…really get to me. any kind of display of affection or talk about love or any of that…really getting to me. any show of support from my friends makes me cry… my mom saying anything supportive makes me cry…it’s very strange. i want it to go away LOL…i hate crying.

i’ve cried more in the past year than i think i have my entire life…between shit at geneseo last january, my weird reaction to graduation, shit with nate, shit with my friends upsetting me (until i realized its not my problem)…yeah. it’s been a strange year.