*sigh*

so yesterday. the kidnapping. picked nate up at 1 and went to the bookstore, and then to the central terminal. i told him it was a surprise, because i knew if i told him he wouldn’t want to go. we managed to find it, and he was like, i’m not going in blah blah blah. it was a pretty bad neighborhood, and he kept saying how there would be homeless inside, and how we’d get arrested, and i could go in but he wasn’t. we drove around to the other side of the building, and there were 2 other groups of people there with cameras too haha. so we got out to take pictures of the outside, and nate was all paranoid about getting arrested (cuz if he gets arrested or even a traffic ticket this last month home he can’t go to africa). he said he didn’t see the attraction in an old run down piece of crap building. but he got over it. there was no place to go inside anyway, the whole perimeter was fenced off. they’ve already started to prepare it for renovation i guess.

so from there, we went to forest lawn cemetery to waste the rest of my film. he likes cemeteries so this was better. walked around there, took pictures, finally found our way out. stopped for mclunch, hit frizbees and walmart, and came back to my house to hang out until eric and tiff were ready to go out. ended up taking a nap again, and then just laying around talking.

eric and tiff came over around 7:30 and nate and i hadn’t had dinner, so the 4 of us went to fridays…or not, since there was over an hour wait, so we went to chilis again. i don’t like chilis for food, but oh well. there was a wait there too, but there was a booth open in smoking so we took that and ate right away. with nothing else to do, we found a liquor store, went to walmart to goof off a bit, and then back to my house, surprise. watched tv, and that’s about it. everything ended about 1, took nate home. blah i was sorta upset. i have no reason to be, but i was. it’s carried over and so now i feel like crap still. yeah, so i had to take nate home since his parents would be all stupid about him staying the night here. i know this, and i understand this, but it still upset me. so taking him home, i barely said 2 words, tried not to cry, dropped him off and he’s like i’ll call you, we’ll party, which is his famous line, and i was like yep. i left his house, and apparently turned too fast onto the main road and immediately got pulled over by a sheriff. i’m like oh fucking great. so he comes to the car and does the whole thing, tells me why he pulled me over, he’s like “it seemed like you were trying to get away from something, or that you were upset, is everything ok?” i’m like yeah. he’s like “you sure?” i’m like, yeah..just upset at my boyfriend, that’s all. he’s like, yeah, you seemed upset the way you turned the corner. i’m like ok. he keeps asking me if i’m alright, which is making me start to cry. i’m like DONT FUCKING CRY OR HE WONT LET YOU GO…people seem to think i can’t drive while i’m crying, but let me tell you, i’m a pro. he’s like are you SURE you’re ok? i nod my head cuz i can’t speak. he’s like, are you going home now? i said yes, he let me go. so then i really start crying, and like gagging. it sucked. got home, cried for like an hour.

i know i won’t see nate today. i’ll be surprised to hear from him unless i call him later. you know, football day… 😛 when he was leaving i couldn’t bring myself to ask him if i’d get to see him today, cuz i’d have started to cry and i really didn’t want to. i really need to talk to him tho, about this whole thing. i gotta do it right away next time i see him, maybe it’ll be easier that way. i know i’ll start crying and he won’t be able to understand what i’m saying but…i have to. i just gotta be like, “look we have to talk about niger.” i don’t even know where to start.

hanging by threads of palest silver
i could have stayed that way forever
bad blood and ghosts wrapped tight around me
nothing could ever seem to touch me
i lose what i love most
did you know i was lost until you found me?

a stroke of luck or a gift from god?
the hand of fate or devil’s claws?
from below or saints above?
you came to me
here comes the cold again
i feel it closing in
it’s falling down and all around me
falling
-garbage “a stroke of luck”

well nate’s coming over tonight. don’t know when. he knows why…called him a few hours ago, told him about getting pulled over, and that i needed to talk to him for a few hours if he had no plans. they have dinner out with his aunt. so i said i didn’t care what the hell time it was, it could be 1am for all i cared, but i needed a few hours to talk to him. he sorta freaked when i said hours, so i was like 1 hour, a half hour 15 min whatever. started to cry while on the phone, couldn’t even say goodbye. so he knows what it’s about. it’s going to be bad.

he came over unannounced, caught me off guard. he left. there’s nothing else to say. there’s so much to say. i’m not sure enough got said. and a bit too much got said.