i hate being a cancer. stupid fucking moods. need to get out of this mood, cuz theres no reason i should be in it except that i’m stupid. it’s been a good weekend etc, but no i have to go and drink (depressants, yay), and then be stupid after everyone left.<\/p>\n
didn’t do much of anything last night. since adr and nate were already here, danielle came here. we drank and watched tv all night. danielle left around quarter to 1, nate left at 1 cuz he’s a big giant wimp when it comes to sleeping, and i took adr home after that. then i got all stupid and depressed and blah. i hate my head. now it’s carried over to today, and i want it to go away cuz i want to be happy.<\/p>\n
i got called into work but told them no. i should have just gone in, cuz i know even if i call nate we’re not going to do anything. and that’ll make me more depressed. blah stop thinking this way. fucking moods. go away. blah<\/p>\n
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yep i was right. i’ll be here doing nothing by myself all day, wallowing in my own self pity. sometimes i wonder why i bother. at least he knows i’m throughly annoyed at him. oh wait, he’s a boy. he probably didn’t realize at all even tho i pretty much spelled it out. saying GRRRRRRR I’m really frustrated probably didn’t get through his head. “sorry babe we’ll do something tomorrow” yeah fuck off.<\/p>\n
as much as i wish i could be a complete stupid bitch, and if\/when he calls later today\/tomorrow to do something, i’d be like “oh, i don’t feel like it” i know as soon as i talk to him i’ll be like, yeah ok. and even tho i would like to be all cool towards him when i see him, i know i wouldn’t be able to do it. cuz as soon as i see him, i’ll be fine and happy again. i don’t like this.<\/p>\n
i wish all my friends who keep telling me they want to slap him for not taking advantage of perfect situations could come over here and do it. that’d be nice.<\/p>\n
fucking ignore me. i’m being stupid. i should have gone into work. i dunno what i was thinking. tell me to shut up.<\/p>\n
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i’ve decided i’m way more upset at myself than i am at nate. he’s just always the trigger. he hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s just being himself. and then i get upset at myself for thinking the way i have been. cuz this isn’t me, and i don’t act this way, and i don’t like being this way. and then it just gets worse, cuz then i feel really self-destructive and want to destroy everything, and that makes me even more upset. it’s been a long time since i’ve felt really self-destructive. i’m trying to keep all that down so i don’t fuck shit up.<\/p>\n
this is NOT how i wanted to spend my day.<\/p>\n
and how come trent reznor has to write lyrics that “speak to me” so much. it’s like every song that comes on i want to post lyrics on here from them. sometimes it doesn’t make me feel any better to relate to his lyrics.<\/p>\n
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oh hey something funny. watching tv last night, and this commercial came on. i was like OH IS THIS THE<\/i> IKEA COMMERCIAL!?!?! one of nate’s friends had told us about this really funny ikea commercial about a lamp…it was THE commercial. and the 4 of us were hysterically laughing – mainly cuz danielle was like OMG I DID FEEL BAD FOR THE LAMP. the commercial is so funny. one of the best that i’ve seen in a long time. gotta see if it’s around for download. omg i want to download a COMMERCIAL!<\/p>\n
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all i gotta say is fuck football, i’m going to the sabres game. 200 level club seats, for free. thanks to my dad’s weird friend who just stopped by.<\/p>\n
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so sabres game. got adr, and dinner at mcds, headed downtown. wonderful seats in the posh 200 level where they serve you food at your seats. so we have now sat in every level of the arena (except the boxes). the seats were sorta left corner, goal end, perfect view of the entire ice. good choice for season tickets, if this is where my dad’s friend sits all the time. game was fantastic until the 3rd period, where sabres became the team we all know and try to love – lost a 3 goal lead in half the 3rd period, and then lost by 1. this team is so frustrating sometimes.<\/p>\n
but anyway…i decided *in a hedwig voice* “god i deserve a break today” so i treated myself and indulged in strawberry dippin dots. they were delightful as always, but sadly the highlight of my day. the game was a pleasant distraction, even tho i kept spacing out. not always thinking about bad things, but thinking, and not paying attention. adr was like “Are you ok?” lol. besides being stupid as i’ve been all day, i didn’t feel good (head hurt), and this guy in front of us was wearing curve so it was making me feel nausated. (is that grammatically correct?)<\/p>\n
but i’m beyond the crying that i was doing all day i think, and i’m just pissed off and slightly numb. like, i’m feeling more like myself in that when i’m pissed off i get really vengeful. and i feel slightly bad about it, cuz i have no reason to be pissed off. maybe irritated and slightly disappointed, but not pissed off. don’t worry it’ll go away.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"