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I’m depressed again. The summer of George Sara is coming to an end. We’ve been called back to work. Short training a week from today, then presumably back on the schedule, though there is nothing official yet. That’s not the only reason why I’m depressed again, but there is no specific identifiable reason.

I have not yet heard anything about the Terminal job, and my attempts to reach out and ask about a timeline have not been answered. I know how they work though, things move slow, and that’s ok. I don’t have an immediate need for the job (I haven’t gone back, freaked out, and thrown my badge yet haha) I just want an idea of when they might start interviewing etc.

Searching for another job is depressing. I am not stupid, I can do ANYTHING, I can train in anything and then do the job well. I just don’t know how to get hired. Not that there are any other jobs, other than the Terminal, that I actually want just….I want something else to do with my life. But I don’t know how to read XYZ job listing, make myself appear to satisfy the requirements enough to get an interview, and then prove that I am the best choice. And there is the same problem I faced 20 years ago, exiting college, where every listing wants experience. Take all these jobs related to processing mortgages. There are A LOT of them, and I could do that. Teach me how, and I can do that. How do I get into processing mortgages when every job listing requires at least 1 year experience in processing mortgages? How do I find the job that gives me that 1 year?

And then there is the salary issues. I am in a position to take a pay cut, and I know that I am going to. That’s fine. But there is a limit! I understand an entry level job, say in mortgage processing, is going to start at the bottom end of the salary spectrum. But holy crap those bottom ends are soooo low. Everyone wants advanced education, experience, etc, but then doesn’t want to pay for it.

I know all these things I’m saying have been said by millions of others. It’s just where I am at right now. Facing the inevitability of staying in my current job because I can’t get anything else that will allow me to financially survive in my life. And while I have been looking at online job listings, I haven’t applied for anything, because of all this pessimism. I want a new job, but I’m depressed about my options, so I can’t get the motivation to apply for the ones that seemed do-able. 🙁

It feels like the end of Summer Vacation, when it’s time to go back to school, a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. The last 2 weeks of freedom, and looking back at all I haven’t accomplished in my 3 months off. All the hikes and outdoor activities I wanted to do but haven’t, parks I wanted to visit but didn’t, crafts I have but not yet attempted and now I won’t because I’m going to go back to the work, sleep, wait to go to work cycle. And as things start to open back up, I’ll be pushed back into being social and attending events I don’t want to attend, and having no “completely free” time because there is always someplace I am being forced to go.

And all this is not to mention the fact that going back to work is exposing me to the virus. No matter how much we clean, or if experts are right and it seems that covid doesn’t spread much on surfaces, I will still be in an environment that is too full of (shitty inconsiderate) people spending too much time too close together in recirculated air. Of course, people are going to fight the mask wearing, wear it wrong, etc. I am having none of it. I will not be silent. No mask, no action. Simple. I’ll end up getting fired for lack of customer service and then I will NEED a job haha.

*edit* Denied an interview for the Terminal position. I did not meet the requirements. Great. I will just return to my dungeon of despair and collect a paycheck for eternity.

Quarantine Revelations

I had a revelation the last few days. I am not depressed for the first time in my adult life. I’ve been off work for 2 months now, and while I was worried about being bored, I am still NOT BORED. I am not necessarily doing anything productive, but aside from a few nights where once it got late, I thought, might as well go to sleep, I have not found myself sitting here saying, I wish I had to work.

This “freedom” to do anything, despite not being able to do much due to virus LOL, has just been so great. With the steroids for the headache I haven’t been sleeping, and I do feel really tired, but I slept 4 hours yesterday, got up ate an amazing piece of toast (what?! It was amazing again today and I’m going to eat the whole loaf), cut the grass, went for a walk, scrubbed the basement bathroom, and got inspired to make baked beans. I never am that productive EVER. In my pre-virus life, I sleep for 9 hours, lay in bed for another hour, move onto the couch for a few hours until I have to go to work and then start over. Is this what it is like to not be depressed? Is the lack of obligation that freeing? The requirement to do something or be somewhere that restricting? Because I am realizing in my usual life, I tended not to do anything on work days, cuz…I was just waiting around to go to work.

So the main revelation, other than the depression, is I think I’m going to quit my job. Not immediately. I’ll go back when called. But I think it is beyond time to move on and I want to do it by 2021. I don’t even need to find a good job, or a job with equitable pay, I just need *something else*.

Sitting here as parts of the country try to reopen, I’m feeling the dread creep in. That dread that I recently realized I have lost. I don’t hate my job, I may dislike my current boss a bit, but I don’t hate him I would just rather him not be there. It would not be the end of the world to go back for another 10 years. But thinking about getting called back…next month, the month after, whenever…I do not want to return to that dark dungeon of miserable people and continue my “work” (I do nothing).

I’ve always had delusions of being able to create a side hustle business out of something I can make…photography, crafts, whatever. You know, live that artisan dream. I know it’s unlikely to happen, or happen on a scale to live on, but these 2 months off of stitching, and surfing pinterest for crafts… I think I need to do something creative, even if that is just working in an arts and crafts store. At this moment, I could see myself perfectly happy stocking shelves at Michael’s, even if it’s around annoying shoppers and children. Just because it is something that is not a dark dungeon of despair.

Does this mean once I go back I won’t fall right back into the easy money, the lack of responsibility my job brings, and this mindset falls aside again? Honestly, I probably will. But I’m going to TRY to remain in this head space and move forward.

All that said….before the shut down the CTRC had posted a job listing for, basically, a community outreach organizer. It’s sort of a fancy official title for a whole ton of the things I used to do there for free. It was exciting and I had thought about applying. Enter the imposter syndrome – I don’t necessarily meet their qualifications, I don’t have experience in X, etc. I need my feminist friends to remind me that this doesn’t stop mediocre white men from applying to jobs, and to just do it! I had pysched myself up to apply, though I had a ton of concerns. Regardless of the pay cut, a job for a non profit seems like maybe not a smart financial decision in the long term. If it’s a contract job, is it a year? 2? Then what, I have to start over again. What if funding runs out? Then everything shut down, financial crisis, makes it seem like an even worse financial decision to make.

Well they re-posted the job yesterday amidst my revelation. Seems like a sign. So I am 100% going to apply. And those concerns? Well of course they are still there, but I am worried less about them. Oh man, in my shower fantasies, I can see myself in the job, doing great meaningful things. I can give the perfect interview, and get hired on the spot, and set up my office in the dirty dusty non climate controlled Central Terminal and be a happy camper.

So off to work on a cover letter. It’s been a while since I applied externally for a new position.