Sigh…

I don’t want to only post about how much my head hurts, but my head hurts. It makes me super depressed. Super hopeless. It’s been over a week. I thought I was over the hump of this particular headache yesterday, because it wasn’t very bothersome until late before I went to bed. But woke up with it back strong. On my days off. Again. With plans to see Avenue Q with a bunch of people from work tomorrow. I’m so tired of it.

I’m also even more tired of the election than before. Primary next Tuesday, and NY actually matters as neither nomination has been decided. I still don’t really know who to vote for. I change my mind constantly. I’m angry about it all, all the time. Maybe that’s why my head hurts. haha Trump is coming to Buffalo on Monday, and I really want to go see the shit show, but I’m not willing to call in sick for it. I may go photograph the crowds/protest before work. My mind is still constantly getting blown when I find out people I had respect for, or at least thought were marginally intelligent, are Trump supporters. It makes me sad.

So it goes….

So it turns out I did not “qualify” for the drug trial. My contact couldn’t figure out why because I clearly fit what they needed, with 26 out of 36 days with a headache. I’m really bummed about it. I am never going to get better.

She said there is another different trial coming up in May to try for. If that doesn’t work I’m just going to go to illegal drugs. There is nothing else for me to do.

Blaaaah

I hate my head. It hurts all the time. I get no relief from any medicine I have taken, so I’m joining a drug trial. I can’t talk about it on “social media”, so that’s all I say (plus I don’t know anything else about it to say). On one hand, I hope it works. On the other, I hope it doesn’t because once the trial is over I won’t be able to get it anymore, or once it’s released it’ll be too expensive for me to get. Fucking US health insurance. (Of course, once President Trump makes me move to Canada, I’ll be able to get whatever I want).

Should I ever find a “cure” for my headaches, I feel like my life would change. I can’t enjoy anything. I had to leave where we were and go home to bed Wed night because my head hurt so bad. It was fine until I went for my run, then it started pounding at the end and never stopped. So now I’m scared to run again. I’m scared to do anything. It’s always there in the back of my mind, making me worry that I’m going to get a headache any time I do anything – concert, road trip, vacation, work, whatever. Headache free, I could take over the world!! Or at least enjoy life.

But on the other side of the coin, my headaches are so much a part of who I am, if they were gone I don’t know who I’d be. And if I’m honest, they are an easy excuse for me to not participate in things I don’t want to do because I’m an introvert. If I don’t want to go to a party, I can just say I have a headache, and I am probably not lying.

Today I skipped out on the St Patrick’s Day parade with J because 1. I didn’t want to go. 2. I have been so tired lately. 3. Wednesday’s headache is still hanging around, I can feel it waiting to pounce. I probably would have made myself go if not for #3, to be a good girlfriend and a good sport, pretend I’m fun and personable, but I so much don’t want to risk feeling like I’m going to die the entire day, and then at work til 5am.

I hate it. Add it into my general depression and unhappiness lately.

Adult fun

The political stuff just keeps getting worse. I can’t even.

So, lots of activities lately. Went to an Escape Room experience with J, Phil and his sister, and Winkleman…it was…HARRY POTTER THEMED! When I saw it existed I knew Phil and I had to go. You didn’t actually need to know anything about Harry Potter to play, but it did kinda make it more fun for us. The room was decorated super nice, in the theme, so it was neat. It was kinda hard to get started, we had some issues, got a bit annoyed at each other, but once we got going it was fine and we “escaped”. We want to do some more, and there are lots of places like this popping up.

Buffalo Bloody Mary fest finally came yaaaaay! I was excited. Jeff managed to find a ticket on fb, so he came with J and me. 10 bars provided samples, and there were some food samples (maybe could have used more food). It was a good time. Full write up on Bloody Queen City.  We went to Left Bank after for brunch, since we didn’t really eat at the fest. It was good, hadn’t been there before, but by that point we were bloody mary-ed out, so I didn’t try theirs.

Adam and Jory came up for me and Adam to go exploring. That was a giant fail though, but I think that deserves another whiny post. Got dinner, hung out at my house, no big deal but it was a good time.

Coming up J and I are going to see the BPO play Bowie. My mom thinks it’d be lame, I think it’ll be interesting. And we got the tickets on their leap day sale so it was way cheaper (not sure I’d have paid full price). The next day will be our last Sabres game of the year with Phil, and Porter and his fiance, since the Sabres are once again not making the playoffs (as expected…but next year, watch out. The way Eichel and Reinhart are gelling right now, so awesome).

And I’m trying to get a group from work together to go see Avenue Q. Got about 10 people interested, we’ll see who actually pays. I’m bad at getting groups together.

I’ve been trying to get into running. I reached that point in my weight where I always said would make me start doing something about it, like going to the gym. Only I’m lazy, and even though I have access to the gym at work for free, I don’t want to drive there mid afternoon to go, and I don’t want to stay after work at 4am to go…so running. No real equipment needed, and no need to go anywhere to do it. So I started a Couch to 5k app in the fall. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it, AT ALL, since I was never active and always shuffle walked in gym class LOL. It ended up going pretty well – until it got cold. I never need a big excuse to not be active, so the cold worked well haha. But now it’s getting nice again and I’m trying to restart it. I’ve managed to run 22 minutes straight, but I am not matching the distance I’m supposed to be at in those 22 minutes (2.25 miles). Whatever. J says I’ve got good form, so that’s good. Just going to keep at it (but not today LOL).

Been thinking a lot lately about how I miss the old internet. Might write a thing about it later.

Super Tuesday

It’s Super Tuesday. Not exactly meaningful to me in NY as our primary is not for a few more weeks, but hugely important to the country. This election is…gross. It’s truly making me want to throw up when I really think about it. How is this possibly happening that Donald Trump (Drumpf! lol) is the GOP front runner? I know that the GOP themselves are asking the same question, and imploding around what’s happening but…seriously…A racist, sexist buffoon could be the AMERICAN PRESIDENT! Now I am not the most patriotic person in the country, but it still is AMERICA! And this is how a large group of people want to represent the country to the world??

I know the late night shows have been loving this election, and I’ve laughed along with their bits, but the underlying truth that they expose is scary, and it’s not funny anymore.

People keep saying there is no way Trump could win the general election, but then he keeps winning primaries…and by A LOT! Whaaaaat??? The words that come out of his mouth should make everyone cringe, not nod in agreement. It shouldn’t be ok to act the way he acts. I’ll start to agree, he could never win, and then I hear more and more people support him, and I get scared that we are really underestimating the ignorance of the US population. I think that there is no way any educated person, GOP or Democrat could vote for Trump, and then I remember how many uneducated people there are out there. It’s terrifying.

To look at the other side, I honestly don’t know who to vote for in the Democratic primary. I feel like I need to vote strategically, rather than with what my actual beliefs might be. Who will win over the GOP nominee/Trump? There is such inexplicable virulent hatred for Hillary Clinton (like, not normal hatred, extreme uncalled for hatred, like she killed your dog and drank it’s blood hatred) that I think middle of the road, independent, whatever you want to call it voters might actually vote for Trump over her. And then Bernie Sanders being labeled a socialist, when people don’t even really know what that means, will scare too many people away….but into the arms of Trump? I just don’t know.  Then my dad adds in the historic perspective – this happened previously in my parents life with Carter vs Reagan. Reagan was able to earn a lot of Democratic votes by playing the “make America great again” card just like Trump, including my Democratic pro-union grandfather. The US looked weak over the Iran hostages, and he pledged to “make America great again”, and won. Could that really happen again with Trump vs whoever? Could people really be that swayed by nonsensical rhetoric with no action plan behind it? Can educated people look past the racism, classism, sexism, and general grossness, can they get past the cognitive dissonance they feel, and actually vote for him?

Ugh.

I miss Sarah Palin. And Dubya. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Sick sick sick

I’m sick. Not a cold, but throwing up. I haven’t been throwing up sick as an adult (sober) ever maybe. Throwing up is the worst.

I don’t know what it is. One of my students was throwing up sick and stayed home on Wednesday, but came in Thursday still not feeling well. So maybe it’s that, or maybe it was the General Tso chicken from Wegmans that I left sitting on the desk at work until I took it back home to eat. Or scrambled eggs Thursday night that seemed fine but were out of date (eggs last forever!) But ugh. This was not how I wanted to spend my day, and now it’s threatening my attendance at Soup Fest tomorrow, which is my fav food event in Buffalo. I’m sad. Sick and sad.

David Bowie…

David Bowie died yesterday. I am sad. Maybe sadder than I should be. Because I was never a super fan, and I knew maybe 1/4th of his catalog. But I thought he was awesome, the music I did know I enjoyed, he was a terrific performer, and one of the most creative artists in the world.

When I first “got into” Bowie, it was more because Carolyn and I just thought he was great. As she put it today on facebook she/we were always more intrigued by Bowie the man than by Bowie the musician. We went to see him on the Area 2 tour with Moby simply because he was Bowie, and not because we knew or enjoyed his music beyond a handful of songs. And it was fantastic. And we left right after, along with many other people.

After Nate left me for the Peace Corps was when I really started listening to more Bowie and realized I actually liked the music too. Thankfully I was able to see him live 2 more times with LeighAnne on his Reality tour. The “Sunday”, “Heathen” couplet on that tour is one of the best live moments I’ve ever seen. He wasn’t afraid to perform the songs he wanted to play, instead of catering the entire show to the crowd, playing songs like Motel off Outside, or the Bewlay Brothers from Hunky Dory. The Bowie exhibit from the V&A museum was a must see when it came to Toronto. That Union Jack coat, drool.

He was fearless, he was visionary, he inspired so many people.

So while Bowie wasn’t an “obsession” on the level that Michael Jackson, NIN or U2 were, he was high up on my list of personal gods. When J txt me at 3am to tell me he died, I was sad, but it was ok. Then I woke up the next day, went onto facebook and saw post after post about him, videos, songs, tributes, and it made me so sad I couldn’t help but cry. He may not have has as large an impact on my life as the others I mentioned, but there was something about knowing a human like Bowie existed somewhere in the world, and now he’s gone and there is a big giant hole there. I’m not sure that Bowie shaped hole will ever be filled.

2015 In Review

Since I want to start blogging more again, I should start with something I used to always do, a Year in Review.

Only problem is, I barely remember last week let alone the entire last year. I have no idea what I did last January other than spend it teaching roulette at work. The winter was brutally cold and snowy. February…still teaching roulette. Still cold and snowy…The entire spring I spent teaching either roulette or blackjack, and it was cold and snowy forever.

Classes ended in May, and J and I vacationed to Seneca Lake at the end of May. We did the Skyride bicycle ride over the Skyway in Buffalo, which was really cool. But the rest of the summer? I have no idea. We kayaked a few times, took a Buffalo River boat trip with co workers, but J and I were the only ones who dressed as pirates (oh wait no, Melissa did too). Saw U2 with Mary in Toronto, and The Tea Party with the old school crew minus Danielle a week later.

In the fall we vacationed to Arizona for a week to go to Taco Fest and see a Titan Missile Silo, which was aaawweeesoooomme.

And here we are at winter again, and I’m teaching blackjack again. It wasn’t cold until last week, and it was the latest snowfall ever. And here I am talking about weather, because face it, adult life is boring. Work, sleep, repeat. Or you have kids and then it’s work, sleep, soccer practice, repeat.

**

In other news, I’ve run out of hosting space. I had 10 gigs, used it all, asked for more so they gave me another gig. Not good though, because I don’t feel this site is complete yet, I wanted to add more photos but if I do, I’ll use up that space and if I ever go exploring again (no one likes me, and no one invites me to go with them, despite my practical begging boo hoo) I’ll have no room to update Institutional Green or Sara Etten Photography. I can’t go with a new company with more space because I just finally got my 4 sites working. Ugh. The problems of living your life digitally.

Fail

For Thanksgiving I volunteered to make a dessert. Since my baker friend has had several recent tragedies I didn’t want to ask her for pies, and I figured, I am an adult I can do something myself. So I looked at pinterest for a creative Thanksgiving dessert and found an Apple Pie Cake. Looked super easy, yellow cake mix on the bottom, 6 sliced apples spiced with brown sugar and cinnamon like an apple pie, crumbles on top.

FAIL. FAAAAIIIILLLL.

I followed all the instructions, even when I thought that 6 apples seemed like a lot. Baked for 35 minutes and the cake batter was still completely raw batter. So I put it back in for 5 minutes at a time for another 15, raw. Then I gave up. The apples just didn’t let the heat get down into the cake mix. An hour later mom suggested I put it back in, so I did for another 25 minutes. Better, but raw. Inedible. Fail.

So I had no dessert to bring because I didn’t have much time to try something else. Mom ended up making an apple pie.

 

***

I got my ear pierced 2 weeks ago, a daith, because it was floating around facebook that it “cured” migraines. For 2 weeks it worked!!!! I went 2 weeks with only a few short lived very minor headaches that I could have treated with ibu, but didn’t even bother to. Well that all ended yesterday. Massive massive migraine. It’s completely hormonal, which for me means it’s completely immune to all treatment. I’m hoping that when this episode is over (I may end up at urgent care where they’ll treat me like a drug addict seeking pills, but maybe get steroids, which also are horrible) that the piercing will still continue to work on my “regular” headaches. Then I can go back to Dent and seek specific treatment for the hormone headaches. Internets had some suggestions, though the person I’ve been seeing said they don’t do hormonal treatments. I’m dying though. I can’t take it.

Fake Al Pastor in the Crock Pot

A few years ago I became obsessed with taco trucks, or food trucks in general. I went on a road trip to Ohio for some exploring with Alex, and we stopped in Columbus just so we could stop at a taco truck. I was advised, probably by Carolyn, to make sure I knew what I was ordering so I investigated various menu items before we went. I decided I wanted to get al pastor –  a gyro type meat concoction – even though gyro terrified/terrifies me. Well it was DELICIOUS, so now whenever I find al pastor on a menu I get it.

I was looking on pinterest for some new crock pot recipes in preparation for 10 more weeks of working 4-midnight and needing dinner to be ready when I get home when I found a recipe for al pastor. What? Because it’s a meat conglomeration that’s usually cooked on a spit and then carved off with a big knife, I wasn’t too sure how that was going to be done in a crock pot but I clicked anyway. http://www.gimmesomeoven.com/slow-cooker-tacos-al-pastor/

So, it’s imitation al pastor but I thought I’d try it. I’ve never cooked any pork before. Pork terrifies me, because you can get so sick, and get weirdo parasites from undercooked pork. Typically I stick to chicken. But this really seemed pretty easy.

Carolyn had to help me and explain what kind of pork I needed to get, and wow, it’s a good thing it’s pulled pork in the end because I massacred that sucker. It was on the bone, since the boneless pork shoulder was 3 times as much money. I am still uber grossed out by touching meat but I did better than I thought I would. I probably wasted a ton though because my knives are not sharp, and I eventually gave up because I just didn’t know how to get any more off the bone. Oh well.

The rest was easy – chop up the pineapple and onion, throw everything in the food processor.

So it slow cooked for 4 hours, I shredded it, and there was a whooooole ton of the “sauce” left in the crock pot. I made myself a taco with the meat and some salsa, and it’s ok, but it wasn’t spectacular and it didn’t taste like real al pastor. I didn’t know what else to do with all the pork, because I wasn’t gonna make more tacos from it, so I decided to turn it into a soup. I used a few ladles of the left over pineapple sauce, a bunch of broth, sauteed another small onion with some jalapenos, and added a can of black beans and a bunch of frozen corn. Turns out way better than just the pork plain. Made some guac to go with it on the side (cuz I have a weird thing where I have to eat more than one thing in a meal, and prefer 3 things, and one of those things should be crunchy – so usually it’s chips and hummus/dip/salsa.) Food for a week now!