I absolutely cannot stand the thought that we’re going to have to hear from the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES in one line posts on Twitter for the foreseeable future. I can’t stand that that is how he chooses to communicate. I can’t stand it I can’t stand it I can’t stand it.

Sometimes I start to feel like we have all over reacted, and things won’t be so bad, but then I am quickly reminded about all the horrible things happening…and I don’t meet racism/discrimination being “acceptable” now…I mean the people he is appointing to important positions, and why he’s appointing them – business favors. The thought that he could approve laws and get rid of laws that will benefit himself, his businesses, his business friends…I am constantly disgusted.

This is not America 2

It’s been a few days now since Donald Fucking Trump got elected President. A few days to think, a few days closer to him not being President, if you try to be optimistic.

I’m very happy I had 2 days off before having to be around the public, and around potentially gloating Trump supporters. It felt like someone had died. I never expected any election to cause such emotion. We saw Katheryn on Thursday, and she said, what she’ll remember most is walking into the bar and seeing me opening crying in public, and she thought AMERICA LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE, YOU’VE MADE SARA CRY! haha it’s funny, but yeah.

Government gets very little done, when it doesn’t want to. So while republicans control every part, the dems can refuse to work just like the repubs did with Obama. And Trump is not as conservative as people think, plus there still has to be some intelligent and cool headed repubs that don’t support him, perhaps things won’t get out of hand. (Trying to be optimistic here!) But what I’m more scared of is the legitimacy his election gives to the types of things he’s said, how he treats minorities and women…it’s already coming out – anti Semitic graffiti, verbal abuse of Muslims and Hispanics, including children. It’s gross. Teaching children that sexually abusing women is ok…teaching them it’s ok to bully and taunt other children that happen to not be white. Bringing out the very worst thoughts and feelings, and making it seem ok to do so.

Honestly, I don’t think he’ll make a full term, and not because someone is going to assassinate him. I think once he takes office and fully realizes what he has bitten off, he’ll pull a Palin and just resign. Or, he’ll be convicted on one of his upcoming trials, and he’ll quit before Congress can “fire” him, that way he saves face. But then we’ll be left with Mike Pence, who is truly awful and more frightening. Pence is his assassination insurance.

Ugh. It still makes me sad, and it can still bring up tears, but it’s getting better. The mourning, and stages of grief are coming to an end. Life goes on. We do what we can to make things better in the face of all this shit.

This is not America

It happened. Donald Trump is the President elect. Donald Fucking Trump. That orange reality show ass clown.

I was never confident in how this was going to play out. For months I had said he was going to win because the majority of our population is uneducated and you can’t underestimate them. Yes, it is looking like Hillary won the popular vote (like Gore), so you can’t blame the uneducated, but yes I still can. After Brexit passed in the UK, I knew, Trump was going to win.

I honestly thought the “grab them by the pussy” tape was a game changer, that it really did push undecided voters over the edge to Hillary, but apparently it did not. I saw some stat that 51% of white women voted for him. How? How does that even happen? How can you hate yourself that much to allow that kind of behavior towards women?

I don’t even have the words. We spent the evening at Founding Fathers, which was packed, and the atmosphere was great. People were counting down each poll closing, cheering for NY being called for Hillary…and then it just burst. The bottom fell out, there were tears (myself included), we left around 1, before any concession speech, while there was still a shred of hope. I went to bed knowing, but not knowing for sure, that it was over. I finished my evening, literally, in the fetal position on my bed, sobbing.

It’s not about Hillary. It’s not that I was her biggest fan, and can’t stand to see her lose, and not be the first woman president. It’s all about Trump. I’m terrified. I’m scared for my minority – in whatever way – friends. My gay, trans, non white friends. As a whole, I’ll be fine. Economy not withstanding, my life won’t change much. I’m a privileged white person, with a full time job, with health insurance (as crap as it might be). So many people I know that rely on government programs are in trouble. Women as a whole, are in trouble. We are just all in trouble. I’m scared of what his cabinet will be, who his advisers will be, who he’ll appoint to the Supreme Court, and everything they’ll be able to change because it’s all Republican run.

I don’t know this country. I honestly just cannot wrap my mind around anyone’s belief in this man’s ability to run the most powerful country on Earth.

being a woman

The first Presidential debate was last night. I haven’t watched it. I’ve seen a few memes, and tweets, and I’m watching the daily show, but I can’t really comment on it. I have seen that Trump interrupted Hilary 54 times (or something similar). And I’ve seen references to the “woman listening” face that we all have perfected by age 18. Misogynistic stuff. And it made me think about work again. I got my 90 day evaluation a few weeks ago, which was basically glowing. That I caught on very fast and am doing an excellent job. You know, BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING AND AM SUPER QUALIFIED. The people who matter already knew that, which is why I got the job. One of the things I have noticed though….if I’m standing with a male pit manager, and someone has a question, or is coming into the pit for whatever reason, they always talk to the man, and ask the man the question, even though I’m the one in charge in that pit. Even though I’m the one providing the answers, they will still keep asking the man. It’s starting to get annoying. One of these times I’m going to point it out.

mid life crisis

Seriously. I feel so unhappy with everything. I hate it. I’m gonna go to the dr to get meds again. I hate where I am in life, I hate that I haven’t traveled overseas in forever. I hate that I don’t do anything meaningful. I hate that I can’t enjoy anything that J likes, even if it’s something I like too. Just lots of hate.

I saw this quote from Hillary Clinton on Humans of NY, and it’s everything.

“I was taking a law school admissions test in a big classroom at Harvard. My friend and I were some of the only women in the room. I was feeling nervous. I was a senior in college. I wasn’t sure how well I’d do. And while we’re waiting for the exam to start, a group of men began to yell things like: ‘You don’t need to be here.’ And ‘There’s plenty else you can do.’ It turned into a real ‘pile on.’ One of them even said: ‘If you take my spot, I’ll get drafted, and I’ll go to Vietnam, and I’ll die.’ And they weren’t kidding around. It was intense. It got very personal. But I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t afford to get distracted because I didn’t want to mess up the test. So I just kept looking down, hoping that the proctor would walk in the room. I know that I can be perceived as aloof or cold or unemotional. But I had to learn as a young woman to control my emotions. And that’s a hard path to walk. Because you need to protect yourself, you need to keep steady, but at the same time you don’t want to seem ‘walled off.’ And sometimes I think I come across more in the ‘walled off’ arena. And if I create that perception, then I take responsibility. I don’t view myself as cold or unemotional. And neither do my friends. And neither does my family. But if that sometimes is the perception I create, then I can’t blame people for thinking that.”

Things I’ve learned from Pokemon Go

Ok, I give in, I am actually playing Pokemon Go. And J has been unable to resist, after walking around the block with me the other night, and doing all sorts of game research “for me” LOL He downloaded it last night and got to level 5 in one night walk to Delaware Park hahahaha. So we’re going to brunch and on a pokemon date tomorrow. There is a definite lack of pokemon activity in my neighborhood.

So now, my continually updated list of Things I’ve Learned From Pokemon Go

  1. There is a JFK memorial in the little cemetery across the street from the NTPD. (But it appears it’s no longer there, or I’m just blind because I couldn’t find the stone)
  2. There is a nature preserve with trails in NT: The North Tonawanda Audubon Nature Preserve (also known as the Klydel Wetlands). http://www.buffaloaudubon.org/tonawandaklydel.php (Ok, now that I looked it up, I did sort of know it was there, because they started talking about it when I was finishing high school, BUT I didn’t know it was that big, I only knew the yellow trail.)
  3. There is a mini Statue of Liberty across from the Twist of the Mist near the Rainbow Bridge.


To be continued….

Pokemon Go

So it’s been 3 days since the world went nutso over the new Pokemon Go app. I started seeing posts about it Monday so I dled it to see what it was. Now, I am of the age where I missed the Pokemon phenomenon, and I really know almost nothing about it. But this game is brilliant. I can understand how people who are younger than me, and were into Pokemon, are going bananas. It really is just such a great concept, to get people out and active, walking around to collect pokemon, get to stops and gyms to train and battle, meet other players in real life, discover your city. It’s just fantastic. Now I’m not really playing, I just wanted to see what it was like, and then I went out to the Terminal today to see if there were any there, so I could get a neat looking screen cap. (I did, plus it’s a gym and there are 2 pokestops there too) I wish I could be more into it, it seems fun, but I don’t expect to play more because I’m just not going to walk around alone, looking at my phone all the time. But perhaps I’ll keep it on the phone to potentially get creative screenshots.

In garden news, I harvested all my garlic this week. At the garlic seminar I went to with Susan a few years ago, I swear the instructor said to wait 3 weeks after the solstice to harvest, so that’s what I’ve been doing and it seems to be a good time to do it. I harvested 21 Japanese garlic bulbs (a spicy variety I got at the seminar), 40 bulbs from cloves I saved from last year’s harvest, and 26 from cloves from the farmers market last fall….It’s a lot of garlic. Every year I just get more out of control, planting more, I need to dial it back a bit this year. Even giving half of last years harvest to my mom, we still both have cloves frozen in jars in the freezer. I may try to dehydrate some as an experiment, and maybe make my own garlic powder.

The peas are nearly finished, and the green beans are just starting to come in. The reseeded tomatoes have gone nuts, I’m not even going to be able to reach all of them (again). Lots of peppers on the plants too.


I’ve been watching Doctor Who to finally finish last season, but I’ve only been half paying attention while playing a game on the laptop and typing this. They seem like important episodes (Clara dying, the Doctor mourning), maybe I should watch them again…

My letter to Hogwarts

Today I received my letter to attend Hogwarts. FINALLY! Sadly I am nearly 36 now, and I don’t think I’ll be able to attend, so I wrote them a letter.


Dear Professor McGonagall,

I was very excited today to receive my invitation to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry beginning September 1st. Unfortunately, your owl seems to have gotten very lost or distracted on his way to deliver my letter, as it is 25 years late. If your owl ever does return to you, perhaps you should let him retire, as he has put in a lot of work getting the letter to me, or perhaps he is not very good at his job.

Given that I am nearly 36 years old, I don’t feel that my attendance at Hogwarts would be welcome any longer. However I was wondering if you might offer adult education classes at night or on weekends, or maybe have an online school I can attend as I am also not particularly close to Scottland. Or maybe there is a GMED (general magical education development) class I could attend instead, so I could then continue my studies at Wizard College.

Please let me know what my options are, as I am very excited to (finally) receive my magical education, even if it is as an older student. I look forward to hearing from you, may I suggest a faster owl this time though?


Sara Etten

no one can ever be happy for you part 2

It’s been a week since “the news” broke about my promotion. The hate has slowed down, but it still bothers me. I was congratulated by one of the people who thought they were a sure thing, and I know he was super super upset he didn’t get it, but at least he was cordial to me. I’m trying to give 0 fux about the whole thing, I’ve spoken to a few of my friends who are above me, and I know they are all sure of their decision, but when you hear that someone who is supposed to be a friend is talking shit about how I’m not qualified for the position, it stings a bit. And it’s fucking nonsense. How much more experience do you want!?!?

It’s also super frustrating to hear that I only got the position because I’m a woman. Fuck. Off. Other women applied, why didn’t they get it? Why didn’t both open spots go to women? Maybe I got it because I’M FUCKING GOOD AT MY JOB.

It’s really mind blowing to me that people think I’m not qualified. Before this you could ask anyone who the best dealer at ____ game was, and they’d say me (except craps!). You could ask what supervisor someone wants in their pit, because they do a good job, and I’d be on the list. But now, I’m not good enough, I’m just a woman.




I can’t imagine being a minority and dealing with these kind of statements my whole life. The sexism is bad enough, to have to deal with the racism too….Ugh.  At least no one has said I got the job because I was blowing the director (no, surely someone HAS said that.)

no one can ever be happy for you

I applied for a promotion at work a few weeks ago. I wasn’t sure I had a chance in getting it, despite being qualified, because there were only 2 positions open and a lot of interest from very good candidates. But I got it. !!! Yay!

That’s the good news. The bad news is now half my coworkers are pissed off and talking shit.

I’ve gotten a variety of reactions, from sincere congratulations, and people being glad that management finally made a good decision, to surprise, and to insincere congratulations and anger.

I was surprised myself, because the way things have gone in the past, management seemed to always know who they wanted for the positions, and the interviews were rather irrelevant. So everyone assumed who the 2 were going to be, and that didn’t include me. I’m hoping the people who were surprised at the choice to promote me were surprised for this reason, and not because they don’t think I can do the job. (And that does seem to be the case.)

In one way, the anger I understand, as it’s coming from other applicants. I got the job, and they didn’t, so that’s fine. However some of it’s a bit misguided because some of the applicants thought they were basically guaranteed the job but I got it instead and they are incredulous that I could have possibly gotten it.

Do I really need to go through my qualifications? Do people really think I’m not going to do a good job, or that they would be better at it? Is 13 years with the company, 4 in management, plus previous management training and experience not count? Does my 4 year college degree not count?

So I’ve gotten some congratulations from these people, but they seem to be half hearted, and I’d rather they not say anything at all. But I suppose it’s better than the cold shoulder, and an unwillingness to help me, which I experienced last night on the craps game.

I know the “experience” thing comes down to craps. I am the first to admit I do not have a lot of experience dealing craps, but you know what? Neither do a lot of our current managers (including one of the shit talkers who is already in the position I just got) and they are able to do their jobs just fine. The candidates who have a ton of experience are upset that they got passed over by someone without the knowledge they have, I understand. But maybe they should look at the other requirements of the job, at their personal performance, etc before they criticize me and my ability that hasn’t even been demonstrated yet. If I end up sucking at the job and being unable to perform duties related to managing a craps game, then by all means, criticize me. Or help me and teach me what I need to know to properly manage the game, which has little to do with being able to actually deal it proficiently. That’s why on the list of requirements of the job “management knowledge” is all that is needed in a game if you have enough experience in all the other games (which I do.)

I shouldn’t be upset at the “hate-orade” and shit talking, because upper management, the people who matter, chose me to do the job. They think I can do it, and do it well. But it feels shitty to thank a person for their help and advice before my interview, to have them congratulate me and offer their help in training, only to find out they told other people that they don’t agree with my being chosen, that I don’t have enough experience. It feels shitty to work with another applicant and have them not speak to you at all. It sucks to have to wonder who really is happy for me and wants me to succeed, and who is talking shit about me to everyone else.