I had a revelation the last few days. I am not depressed for the first time in my adult life. I’ve been off work for 2 months now, and while I was worried about being bored, I am still NOT BORED. I am not necessarily doing anything productive, but aside from a few nights where once it got late, I thought, might as well go to sleep, I have not found myself sitting here saying, I wish I had to work.
This “freedom” to do anything, despite not being able to do much due to virus LOL, has just been so great. With the steroids for the headache I haven’t been sleeping, and I do feel really tired, but I slept 4 hours yesterday, got up ate an amazing piece of toast (what?! It was amazing again today and I’m going to eat the whole loaf), cut the grass, went for a walk, scrubbed the basement bathroom, and got inspired to make baked beans. I never am that productive EVER. In my pre-virus life, I sleep for 9 hours, lay in bed for another hour, move onto the couch for a few hours until I have to go to work and then start over. Is this what it is like to not be depressed? Is the lack of obligation that freeing? The requirement to do something or be somewhere that restricting? Because I am realizing in my usual life, I tended not to do anything on work days, cuz…I was just waiting around to go to work.
So the main revelation, other than the depression, is I think I’m going to quit my job. Not immediately. I’ll go back when called. But I think it is beyond time to move on and I want to do it by 2021. I don’t even need to find a good job, or a job with equitable pay, I just need *something else*.
Sitting here as parts of the country try to reopen, I’m feeling the dread creep in. That dread that I recently realized I have lost. I don’t hate my job, I may dislike my current boss a bit, but I don’t hate him I would just rather him not be there. It would not be the end of the world to go back for another 10 years. But thinking about getting called back…next month, the month after, whenever…I do not want to return to that dark dungeon of miserable people and continue my “work” (I do nothing).
I’ve always had delusions of being able to create a side hustle business out of something I can make…photography, crafts, whatever. You know, live that artisan dream. I know it’s unlikely to happen, or happen on a scale to live on, but these 2 months off of stitching, and surfing pinterest for crafts… I think I need to do something creative, even if that is just working in an arts and crafts store. At this moment, I could see myself perfectly happy stocking shelves at Michael’s, even if it’s around annoying shoppers and children. Just because it is something that is not a dark dungeon of despair.
Does this mean once I go back I won’t fall right back into the easy money, the lack of responsibility my job brings, and this mindset falls aside again? Honestly, I probably will. But I’m going to TRY to remain in this head space and move forward.
All that said….before the shut down the CTRC had posted a job listing for, basically, a community outreach organizer. It’s sort of a fancy official title for a whole ton of the things I used to do there for free. It was exciting and I had thought about applying. Enter the imposter syndrome – I don’t necessarily meet their qualifications, I don’t have experience in X, etc. I need my feminist friends to remind me that this doesn’t stop mediocre white men from applying to jobs, and to just do it! I had pysched myself up to apply, though I had a ton of concerns. Regardless of the pay cut, a job for a non profit seems like maybe not a smart financial decision in the long term. If it’s a contract job, is it a year? 2? Then what, I have to start over again. What if funding runs out? Then everything shut down, financial crisis, makes it seem like an even worse financial decision to make.
Well they re-posted the job yesterday amidst my revelation. Seems like a sign. So I am 100% going to apply. And those concerns? Well of course they are still there, but I am worried less about them. Oh man, in my shower fantasies, I can see myself in the job, doing great meaningful things. I can give the perfect interview, and get hired on the spot, and set up my office in the dirty dusty non climate controlled Central Terminal and be a happy camper.
So off to work on a cover letter. It’s been a while since I applied externally for a new position.